A List of Things That Went Wrong Today (In Chronological Order):
- Got 2.5 hours of sleep last night
- Operated solely on coffee which left me with anxiety and tremors
- Had to drive 5 hours across the state to get back home on no sleep
- Got pulled over for the first time and got a citation for speeding because I wasn’t paying attention to how fast I was going because I was so exhausted, which only added to the anxiety
- Had to call mom and explain to her that I got pulled over for going 12 mph over the speed limit. Figured if I got it over with faster it would relieve the anxiety faster. You could hear the disappointment in her voice.
- Started crying while driving because the odometer ended in zeros when at looked at it at two different points, one of which was when I got pulled over, and that was an inside thing my dad and I had
- Nearly ran out of gas on the highway because I had my phone hooked up to the car speakers and was talking on it for hours while driving, so it didn’t beep and I didn’t notice it was low and I barely made it to the gas station, resulting in even more anxiety
- Started to cry again right as I was getting home when mom called me. I couldn’t bear the idea of going back to school and managing my health when I could barely manage my health when I wasn’t at school. It’s all too much.
- I got home and I had to carry all of my things up three flights of stairs to my apartment. Carrying heavy things hurts my shoulder and it pops out of place. Walking up the steps makes me extremely dizzy because of the POTS. So I decided to let my shoulder take one for the team and I carried everything up in 2 trips instead of 4.
- I got upstairs and was so exhausted that I felt nauseous. I genuinely felt sick, but at the same time, I was starving. Due to my past history of my eating disorder, I decided I needed to eat and drink more water. So I put on pajamas and took my meds.
- It’s now 11:46 PM. I am still awake. I have been awake since 8:00 AM now after getting only 2.5 hours of sleep. I am exhausted. My hands and feet are frozen. My face is pale and washed out. I look like a ghost. I feel like I look sick again. Oh wait. I never stopped being sick in the first place.