Tug of War

Now listening to The Space Between a Rock and a Hard Place by 5 Seconds of Summer

I was cleaning my apartment today with my music on shuffle when The Space Between a Rock and a Hard Place began to play. I started to sing along to the song because it’s a total jam, but about halfway through the song, something hit me. This song, while it may have just been about a girl or something (I honestly don’t know), it describes where I currently am in my eating disorder recovery.

Upon re-evaluating the lyrics, I believed they were describing my relationship with my eating disorder.  “I’m wrapped in your arms while you’re waitin’ to tear me apart.”  and “Reckless, I’m at your front door and I’m helpless. I’m twisted back up in the madness, repeating history.”  are just two examples that resonate with me. The first representing how I would find comfort in my bulimia even though it was destroying me, and the latter describing how I would go back to the thing that was destroying me because I felt that I needed my ED.

But there was one lyric in the chorus that really hit home more than anything. Especially when it was stated at the end of the piece as it was sung in such an audible and clear way. “You’re a catch twenty-two. Win or lose I’m screwed.” 

I think the reason I find this line so haunting to me right now is that it describes the middle place of recovery that I’m stuck in. If I beat the eating disorder, I gain back my life, but I lose this unhealthy coping mechanism that I’ve had for so long. If I lost to my eating disorder, I wouldn’t have my life, but I would have the (semi?)-satisfaction of (maybe?) being skinny someday and I would still have this method of coping that has “worked” for me for so long. Either way, I’m losing something. 

And I think that that’s the scary about eating disorder recovery. You have to make sacrifices to get better otherwise you don’t get there. I just hope I continue to make the healthier choices as I have over this past year and three months.


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