Guilty As Charged

I’ve been thinking lately. A lot.
Ruminating on the things that I cannot control because when they happened, I did not know they were happening.
These thoughts have been taking over my mind and they’re just making me feel sad and anxious. They’re making me feel guilty.
But why should I feel guilty over something that I couldn’t control in the first place?

Even though I am in stable recovery, the consequences of my eating disorder are still present. In fact, my doctors and I are finding new ones as time goes on.
This past week, I had an echocardiogram and the results were not the best. I couldn’t help, but wonder “did I do this to myself?”

The reality is that I’ll honestly never know. What they found in the results could a congenital defect, something that is genetic, or it could be another consequent of hurting my body for years when I was hurting mentally. But until I can learn how to accept the fact that this is the way things are now, it feels like I’m in court and a judge is sitting in front of me saying “you’ve been found guilty by your own consciousness, and you’ll be facing a life sentence in your own mind unless you can prove yourself to be innocent.”

I don’t know when I’ll be able to accept that. I’m not there yet. But I’m trying. Everything just kinda feels like a lot right now, but I’m hanging in there.


Sincerely,
Casey

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