“I believe in the sun
even when it’s not shining
I believe in love
even when I feel it not
I believe in God
even when He is silent”
Those words were found on the walls of a concentration camp and later used as lyrics in a choral composition. In one of the darkest times, someone was still able to have faith in something. In multiple things.
I’ve been thinking about what I believe in lately.
The reality is that I still don’t quite know. There’s a piece of me that wants to believe in God – someone who is of greater power than me who I can allow and accept to be a part of me.
I’ve started reading the Bible, and I feel a small connection to it, but I don’t know if I believe in it. I took a few “what religion are you?” tests and they told me that I was Agnostic. I don’t even know what religion I would fall under if I were to begin practicing and/or believing in one. And I think that a major part of that stems from the fact that I’m not quite sure that I believe in myself yet.
Over this past school year I’ve been thinking about religion and how it could impact my life and all of the different types that are out there, but it wasn’t until I went to a conference for my work that I genuinely began to pursue things.
While at the conference, one of our national directors said that “faith drowns fear.” After the conference I really couldn’t stop thinking about that small quote. Sure, it was related to business, but I couldn’t help but think about the first half of the quote – faith in what? I know that for her it meant faith in God, but at the time, I still considered myself to be fully agnostic. What was I going to have faith in if I couldn’t see myself having faith in God?
After thinking and thinking and thinking and talking to my friend that I work with and my director I decided that it would mean that I would have faith in myself. And I believed it. And I still do, but it hasn’t quite happened yet. At least not to the fullest. But I feel like it’s not enough. I feel like I need something more to believe in.
I want to believe in God. Or a God. Or multiple Gods. Or at least something, but I’m not quite there yet. I also want to believe in myself. And I’m working on that, but I’m not quite there yet. I don’t know what’s holding me back from one or the other, but I feel like if anything, I have to at least believe in myself so that I can achieve what I want to achieve. So that I can stand tall, proud, and confident. I don’t know.
Thanks for listening. I know it’s been awhile.