chron·ic

/ˈkränik/
adjective

  • persisting for a long time or constantly recurring
  • long lasting and difficult to eradicate

Sometimes I get caught up in the idea that this is never going to go away. It’s going to be here forever. Every time I stand up, I’ll have a racing heartbeat. I’ll feel like I’m going to faint.

I can manage that. I can manage those subtle feelings every single time I’m in a vertical position. What I can’t quite manage right now? The bad days.

The bad days are never going to stop either. I’m sure that at some point in my life, I’ll receive great treatment from a highly skilled physician who knows all about what I’m dealing with. But until then? It’s one continuous guessing game. It always will be.

The idea that I will still have to deal with days where I can’t get out of bed, or play my instruments, or eat food. It stresses me out that there are going to be days and weeks where I will not be able to function to the point where I can’t do anything but watch Netflix.

This anxiety has been consuming me these past few days. I’ve had two trips to the emergency room in the past week and just as per usual, the doctors there do not know what to do with me even though I’m clearly struggling. One told me this past week that I’m “the perfect patient on paper” because everything appears normal after testing even though there is clear evidence of dysfunction.

It is demoralizing.

When no one knows how to treat you, it feels like theres no hope for better days. When doctors just continue to shove medications down my throat, it doesn’t feel like they’re helping anymore. I’m up to 15 pills a day. I still feel like shit.

I don’t know, guys. I know that most days are not bad days anymore, but these days are so disruptive. They’re so frustrating and I can’t function at the ability that I need to in order to enjoy and live the life I want to.

How do I just sit here and not let this consume me?

Thanks for listening. My anxiety has been bad lately (thanks, Prednisone).


Sincerely,
Casey

 

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