Catastrophic Feelings

I’ve noticed lately that when I get nervous, I stutter on my words. Maybe its part of my brain fog from my POTS? Who knows. But what I do know is that I’ve been feeling quite on edge these past few days.

You see, my roomie is about to turn 21 (yay for legal drinking and smoking!) and he wants to invite some friends over for a little “party” to celebrate. The thing that makes me nervous about this is that all these people were my friends once before, and now they’re just strangers again. 

I was in our university’s marching band for my first three years of college. That’s where I met my roommates (wonderful lads, really). But in between my second and third year, I was both diagnosed with POTS and had surgery on my snapping scapula. I did what I could that year to participate with the ensemble, but by my fourth year, my POTS had worsened and my shoulder never got better, so I couldn’t go back.

This was one of my main sources of friends. I’m sure you’ve picked up on that now. Since missing this season, I’ve missed out on daily banter, inside jokes, and meaningful conversations that carried me through my first three years. These relationships are what made going to school worthwhile for me even when I was struggling with my bulimia within the sport, and my POTS and shoulder as well. Now, it’s like it never happened. 

A year has gone by and new members have come and the old folks have gone along with us “quitters”.

I hate that term. “Quitter”.

I did not want to quit. I simply didn’t have a choice. 

Anyway, new relationships have formed over new memories and jokes and I feel left out in the dust all because of things that are out of my control. And that’s just the thing. It’s all out of my control. Granted, I’ve tried reaching out and meeting up with people, but it isn’t the same. When the folks I was once best friends with come over to hang with my roommates they barely acknowledge my presence. I feel invisible. 

And that’s why I’m so nervous. Because every single one of them is going to be here at the same time and I have no idea how to approach the situation because I feel like I have no connection with these people anymore. I don’t know how to talk with them.

Part of me almost wishes they were complete strangers. It would be easier for me to talk to them that way. But then again, I’m forever grateful for their friendships those first three years.

I don’t know what to do. I’m just kinda sad and lonely.

Thanks for listening. I know it’s been a while.


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